Writing a masterpiece is hard work.

BEHOLD THE TOOTH

And now we have yet another stellar release from Archers' Guild Records. BUFFALO TOOTH features members of Glitter Wizard and Poor Sons and brings enough tasty licks to get to the center of your Tootsie Pop.



Their debut has finally been pressed onto 7" wax, features some killer (if I do say so myself) album art by yours truly, and is definitely worth picking up ASAP. Have a listen here.
NO WIMPS.

MOM...DAD...I WANNA BE A PUNK.

Cool.

MORE SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION

You've never heard of Family Matters and we've never heard of you either. Let's get acquainted.

Listen to it for free here.

NO MORE BOREDOM

You never heard of Feederz? Well listen up, punk! Not many "punk" bands have had much of an impact on me since I was a wee teen, but hearing these guys for the first time was a definite game changer.

Feederz formed in Arizona in 1977 and released one EP before their singer, Frank Discussion, was forced to flee to San Francisco for distributing anti-school literature in Arizona High Schools. He reformed the band in 1984 with Mark Roderick and D.H. Peligro. Frank was known for his outrageous shock tactics, such as firing blanks at the audience and appearing on stage with live crickets and bloody tampons glued to his face. The group was even banned from Gilman for throwing roadkill at the audience!

Feederz' first full-length, Ever Feel Like Killing Your Boss?, is a fucking masterpiece. They somehow manage to be catchy, snotty and abrasive in the same breath. And their lyrics are guaranteed to send poseurs running for the hills. Take their hit, "Jesus," for instance: "Jesus entering from the rear, fucking you in the ass. Just another faggot in just another mass." Something to offend everyone! Ever Feel... also includes an Olivia Newton-John cover ("Have You Never Been Mellow") and the original vinyl comes with grip tape on the cover so it thrashes your other records. Punk!



Go fuck yourself here.

THE TRASHIES ARE BETTER THAN YOUR BAND

BEAT ME BITE ME WHIP ME

Here it is- the holy grail of punk rock. Thirty-four tracks is just over 30 minutes. Sloppy, stupid, offensive and perfect in almost every way. When I was 15, this album changed ruined my life.

A Day Late and a Dollar Short is not so much a proper album as a compilation of seven inch material from the first decade or so of their career. If you're familiar with their other albums, don't fret. This isn't the same old mediocre Beach-Boys-meets-Ramones swill they've been releasing since the mid 90's. This is shitty, boneheaded teen angst done right.



Piss off your parents here.

Insider scoop: word has it there's a Day Late tribute band in the works featuring members of Uzi Rash, Dirty Cupcakes, and Glitter Wizard. Stay tuned for details.

YOUR MOM'S THE BOMB FOR THE VOM

In 1999, the world's best punk band put out their first and only LP and you never heard it. Hailing from Tucson, The Blacks combined hate-fueled hardcore with crazed hillbilly voodoo rhythms that made you wanna dance like a Pentecostal snake handler.

I was lucky enough to catch these guys a few times back in the day and it was one of the craziest live shows I've ever seen. A few days after I last saw them, their singer mysteriously ran off into the wilderness in the middle of tour and died from exposure. Tragic.

Thanks to their old bass player, you can finally get your cyber-hands on a copy of Hate You Like Gold.

Get a taste here and then if you're not a total pussy you'll want the whole thing.

QUAY LEWD

FAKE PUNK

I was discussing the Surf Punks with a friend the other day and he accused them of being a "fake" punk band. While I don't totally agree with that description, it did get me thinking about the idea of fake punk. And no, I don't mean bands like Blink182 and Something Corporate. I'm talking about an altogether different kind of poseur:


SECTION ONE: COMEDIC PARODIES

This is by far the most common source of fake punk. Ever since the birth of punk in the late 70's it's been popular for comedians to develop a punk rock persona. It's often very dull and tiresome but occasionally brilliant.


Gilda Radner - Candy Slice and the Slicers - "Hey Mick"



Cheech Marin - Alice Bowie - "Earache My Eye"



Alberto Y Lost Trios Paranoias were a comedy rock band in the 70's that spoofed many bands, including The Damned, Lou Reed, and the Sex Pistols. They became so popular for a period of time that they were headlining bills with Blondie and The Stranglers as support.


Spot on:

SNL - Crisis of Conformity - "Fist Fight"


My favorite:

SCTV - The Queen Haters - "I Hate the Bloody Queen"


...which is very similar to this one:

Mighty Boosh - Terminal Margaret - "I Did a Shit On Your Mom"



SECTION TWO: DRAMATIC PARODIES

Occasionally, television and movie directors will use punk clubs to create an "edgy" or "dangerous" atmosphere. If they're smart they hire a real punk band (i.e. Agent Orange on 21 Jump Street). Most of the time, if they try to "create" a punk band, they miss the mark entirely and have dudes in makeup and leather playing wimpy synth music. There are, however, a few exceptions.



Quincy - Mayhem - "Choke"



CHiPs - Pain - "Pain"




SECTION THREE: UN-PUNK BANDS PLAYING PUNK


You may recognize this track from Killed By Death #2. Freestone was bunch of Frisco hippies. They wrote "Bummer Bitch" in a failed attempt to take the piss out of punk rock. Little did they realize they recorded one of the greatest punk songs of all time!



According to Doug Graves, Puke Spit and Guts were a group of heshers who put out a few decent punk singles in an attempt to mock the genre.



Anarchy Six was Redd Kross' fake hardcore band.


My #1 favorite song I'd like to share with you comes from a very unlikely source. After the fall of disco (which came not a moment too soon), the Village People needed to find a new direction in order to keep their career afloat. In 1981, they painted themselves up like Bowie in the "Ashes to Ashes" video and released the ill-conceived Renaissance in an attempt to cash in on new wave. The album is horrible (even by Village People standards) but the last track is a true punk gem. "Food Fight" comes across like a Weird Al parody of Devo as played by Plastic Bertrand. It's short, it's fast, and it's catchy as fuck. But you don't have to take my word for it. Have a listen for yourself.
.

So how is it that so many of these fake punk songs are so good? It's because good punk rock is funny. Seriously, we're talking about a genre of music that involves dressing up like a clown, strapping on an instrument you barely know how to play, and throwing a temper tantrum on stage for twenty minutes. Oi!



Bonus: this doesn't quite qualify for the list but I thought I'd share it anyway.

NO KOOKS

The Surf Punks were a horrible band. Really fuckin' awful. Poor songwriting. Inane lyrics. Doofy synth noises spewed all over their albums. In other words, a perfect punk band.

These guys were pretty much a novelty band but they were capable of occasionally puking up some of the best punk schlock in my record collection (as well as a lot of weak filler). All the good stuff is contained on the first two albums, My Beach and Locals Only, which you can probably find if you keep an eye on the dollar bins.


Fun fact: from what I've heard, Drew Steele's skateboard guitar was actually rideable!